Forgiveness has always been the hardest obstacle to overcome in my life.

What could have divided two sisters?

Was it about a boy?

Read here about our decision to go on a pilgrimage

In a way it was about a boy but not the usual story that one would normally imagined.

Six years ago, I had an elder brother who was eleven years older than me.

One day, he committed suicide due to depression.

Despite that I love my late brother dearly, his notorious gambling habit was a direct product of my father’s favoritism and negligence.

Previously, even if I ever get into serious trouble, I would never have expected help.

Not even from family members.

As such, the level of favoritism and unfairness easily tore family relationships apart.

It was tragically very similar to divide and conquer but unintentional as my father had little education and he grew up without a father figure.

However ruthless, the painful truth is parenting is not a skill everyone can master.

My sister is 12 years older than I am and a year older than my late brother.

When my late brother needed family support the most and sought refuge at her empty apartment, she decided to sell her property although she didn’t need the money.

It was too late when I found out because by then I was already called to the morgue.

Nothing in this world could have ever prepared anyone for this kind of catastrophe.

Till this day, I don’t think I’ve fully recovered or that I ever will be.

For the past six years, the mere sight of her made my blood boil.

Maybe she reminded me of my late brother.

Perhaps her cruelty never fail to remind me of my own helplessness.

Our behavior is after all a direct reflection of our soul.

I was sure it was killing her slowly on the inside too else she would not have gotten so ill.

She should have had the surgery done three years ago.

Despite the overall success of the surgery, the delay caused some permanent nerve damage to her finger tips as well as eye sight.

Other than the feeling of utter despair, the entire experience made me felt totally useless, powerless and insignificant.

I was too busy applying into a graduate school six years before.

On top of that, I was living from one pay cheque to another.

Turned out that graduate school even when awarded the most prestigious of scholarship wasn’t exactly worthwhile the time as I had to sell my soul to a monster.

That is of course an entirely different story…

My world collapsed before my very eyes.

I wished I had the wisdom then to send my brother into a rehabilitation center.

It could have saved his life.

The only way I could continue living was to console myself that he went to a better place.

A place where he will always be loved unconditionally.



  1. This is a very complicated dynamic. It is especially difficult with age differences and your father’s position in the middle. My daughter would claim I saved her brother but did not try hard enough to extricate her, but reality is much more intricately complicated than children realize. Forgiveness is a powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really sorry about the relationship between you and your daughter. I hope time heals. With time, she will understand you better. Don’t give up!
      After what happened, I realized being a parent is a herculean task for me. I don’t plan to have children of my own. I’ll just contribute to the society in other ways.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know another teen who became suicidal after his trip abroad. I believe younger folks can be too unstable for such adventures alone. I am sorry to read of your loss. Such a precious person in your life. I always wanted an older brother.


      2. It varies depending on the personality and upbringing of the younger person going abroad. My late brother was actually a very generous, smart and loving person. Unfortunately my father hadn’t the time to discipline him nor the resources to hire him a suitable tutor. The tragedy happened because he took the wrong path and thought there was no way out. I was too ignorant to think of a solution to help him.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is too hard to imagine someone would actually follow through with that degree of self harm. He sounds like he had the most important qualities.


      4. When I was working while writing up my thesis, I know of a boy who also committed suicide after he quit med school. He was good looking, kind, smart, rich and come from a good family. Men are very different from women as they dislike discussing about feelings. Also, they were taught that crying is associated with being a sissy since young. As a result of that, they pent up their emotions then ended up the more likely gender to commit suicide. There was an American female researcher who published a book on this issue.


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